Lessons on Home

I used to think of home as a place. You know, where Mom made my brother and I dinner every day after swim practice. The place where my bedroom was, with all of my stuff waiting for me and where I laid my head on my pillow every night. As I grew older it became the place I would go for the holidays to connect with family and bake Christmas cookies. Then, as I became a Mom myself, it was a place where all of my kids went to sleep under the same roof. Where we had our own family dinners and holidays. That is, until the kids eventually sprouted their wings and flew the proverbial coop. And when I reflect on that time when they were off at school, I didn’t want them to be homesick for that place called home. I wanted them to feel at home wherever they were and I wanted to feel at home even when they were gone. And I did while I was married. But when I got divorced, that feeling of home was definitely shaken. 

Foundations -

I often say “I make beautiful things for other people”. I spent years building homes, hiring contractors and making conscious choices that cost hundreds of thousands of dollars. And out of the 3 homes that I put so much care into over years, I don’t own any of them now. In all of that time I learned that the heart that I put into making the space I am in special and sacred, is in me. It’s not in the house. It’s not even in the place. It is in the space and time of creation - in the ethers. It lives in the present moment that I acknowledge as sacred and special. When I choose to stay present and make time to really be centered within the space, I create the feeling of safety which is foundational to the feeling of home.

Longing for Familiarity 

It took time for me to understand this. After my divorce, my heart was hurting for the familiarity of the homes that I knew so well. The spaces that I had dreamed into being. I remember feeling really scared and unsettled when I was alone. It was challenging to be solo with my thoughts and worse yet my feelings. It took time for me to discern how I was treating myself. I was holding onto much judgment of myself and others and a deep fear of the future. I realize now I just wanted things to be different than they were. I was living either in the past or in the future and was absolutely resistant to being present and being with what was.

Cherishing Home & Investing In It

It took me even longer to discern how I wanted to treat myself. I had to decide to give myself the respect, the love, the honor that I was seeking in my marriage and wasn’t getting.  In the process, I realized that my happiness is absolutely my responsibility and also my highest priority. And that I needed to fully appreciate and cherish myself before I could appreciate and cherish anyone else. This led me on a path of embodied movement, learning to love myself, practicing loving myself in all ways, and trusting my inner guidance to lead my way. With this guidance, I took my nest egg and fully invested it in my home, my retreat center where it has been my honor to guide people on their spiritual paths. I finally found a way to help others on their journeys, so they could remember themselves and treat themselves with the same loving respect they give this land.

Letting It Go

Everything took a turn when I received notices from Monterey County that my neighbors reported me for building un-permitted structures on my property. The County's solution due to my zoning on the watershed is to demolish all un-permitted structures, including my home (which has been here since the early 1960s (over 60 years). What a challenging turn of events.  This news truly rocked my foundation. After going through the initial emotional upheaval, I am now just sitting with this. Both seeing through their eyes and understanding their position while understanding my own simultaneously. For them, it’s not personal, they see these issues day in and day out. For me, it is absolutely personal. All of my work, all of my money, all of my proving that I can move on in my life after my divorce. I can see it all symbolized in this property.  And what do do about it?  Trust the universe has a beautiful plan. I will move with them - at the glacial speed of the government. And just trust the process is here for me to learn whatever it is I need to learn for this and the next realm.

Loving Home

I wondered if I would feel different about being on the property knowing their expectation is for me to tear every last thing down. But when I am here, I don’t feel any different. I love this place. I am now grateful for every day I get to be here at all. I understand that every place is good for as long as it is good. Each challenge that arrives is here for me to learn and grow.  Perhaps this experience is here to remind me that I am ok whether or not this place exists.  Whether I live in this house or whether this property is stripped of everything that was ever built on it.  Regardless of permits and citations and fines and fees. With or without my business or this property or even my community that we built - this place doesn’t prove anything. It’s my heart that knows the depths of my worthiness, my love and my wholeness. I am at peace today. It is a choice to be peaceful or to fight. I choose peace. I am at home.

Finding Home Within

I am feeling more and more at home when I am alone. I don’t need to be anywhere near my house, or my family or my community to feel at home. My feeling of home is inside me. It travels with me wherever I go. Home is no place and every place I go. I recognize now that while our houses are built out of wood and stones, our homes are built within.